Bring Some Brownies

In my last post

I indicated that

"remembering"

the past

can sometimes be painful.

Which is true-

but it's not to say that

 just because I often write about how I've overcome

the most painful parts of my life

in order to start experiencing

more joyous ones

that

I was completely secluded in sorrow during those rougher of times.

I wasn't.

Nor did I mean for people to draw the conclusion that
my ex is/was completely at fault for our marriage ending
and that I was merely an innocent bystander.

He wasn't and neither was I.

In my last post

I also eluded to the fact

that merely

ridding my life of

depressing music

was somehow

the magic cure-all

to fixing myself

and placing myself back on a better path in life.

It wasn't.

Clearly

that's not how life goes

or how mine has played out in actuality.

True or False?

[False.  It's a good start - but it's not an accurate equation.]

Unfortunately
[or fortunately...depending on how you choose to look at things]

apart from death

there is no

true

end

to any story.

Because life will always move on.

The other day I ran across a Huffington Post article

entitled

"Is This The Worst Thing You Could Say to a Divorcee?"

The author of the article
Jennifer Nagy
opines that the "worst" thing one might say to a divorcee

{at least one who's seemingly fresh out of a marriage}

is

"Oh, I know how you feel. I just broke up with my boyfriend/girlfriend of [insert number of years here.]"

 Nagy then goes on to express her concern that

when people try to empathize with their own break-up stories in order to relate to a divorcee-

that they aren't aware of the comparative levels of pain

[divorce being more emotionally devastating than any break-up- no matter the span of the relationship, duh]

and should thus

keep their stories to themselves.
At least that's how I interpreted what she wrote.
and
I must say
...

I disagree with her.

I think there are a lot of ghastly things

to say to someone you know

who is obviously experiencing/has experienced the anguish

associated with divorce...

...but I think the worst thing you can do to a divorcee
(or anyone going through a particularly devastating end to a relationship)
is

judge them.

It's easy from the outside

[and the inside]

to judge who was
at"fault" or who was to "blame"

when a relationship tanks.

 

I say...

If you haven't walked a mile in a couples' shoes-

then you haven't walked a single dingle step.

I'm a sharing is caring type of person.

The more I share life stories with people

the more I care.

I can't understand the hesitation to hear and share the experiences

of a fellow human being

no matter where

their comparative levels of

"pain"

exist on the
"break-up v. divorce pain rate chart"

which now exists thanks to my un-washed dishes and un-mopped floors.
priorities, people.

Sharing painful experiences with another person shouldn't be about

who has hurt the worst.

I know I learn from the lives of those whom I love and hold dear...

...from those individuals that have touched my life and
especially those that have been willing to share their stories of pain.

[no matter how depressing]
Those people and their lives have made a difference in the way I live
every single day of my life.

(on a journey to find the beauty that arises from every situation)

 When someone has suffered and moved past

some serious

grief and guilt

-they deserve my respect for mustering the strength to move on-
not my personal analysis of the level of trauma they experienced
based on a legal definition of their relationship
before it ended.

I've been with Ryan now for nearly 4 1/2 years.

We're not married
however
in that span of time we've

lived together in a small space

(and then made another move to a bigger place a few years later)

raised 3 children together

co-mingled our finances

formed a business partnership together

(a couple of them actually!)

dreamed together

planned a future together

and mostly
fallen deeply in love with one another.

We can't poop in the same room
but still-
we're pretty close.

It'd be an understatement to say that his love is a pillar of strength in my world.

If ever we were to part ways I can only imagine the pain that would consume me.

I think the worst thing someone could say to me 
if that were that to ever happen is
"Oh well.  At least you never got married."


In the article I referred to earlier-
 Nagy pens the following-

"The biggest difference between a divorce and the breakup of a long-term relationship is the emotional and mental toll that it takes. When getting married, a couple stands in front of all of their friends and family -- and in many cases, before God -- and declares their never-ending love for each other. They promise to spend their lives together "for better or for worse". After getting married, the two individuals become a family that works together toward common goals, hopes and dreams."

To that I reply-

What about the relationships where the individuals felt like family

and constantly worked toward common goals

hopes

and dreams

despite having no marital contract?

If those relationships end -

is it accurate to assume that there will be less pain involved  

than in those that formed legally binding contracts?

{I'm thinking a Pitt/Jolie break-up v. a Kardashian or Lopez divorce}

Who knows...

and

oh.

oh.

What about relationships that were never given the chance to

form into marriages before their ultimate demise?

Do homosexual couples that have been together for [insert number of years here]

that were never given the right to have a

government approved contract approving their benefits as a married couple

feel less pain during a break-up because of the lack

of a marriage by legal definition?

Me thinks not.

and the thing is...

everyone has suffered in their own way.

 There shouldn't be a scale of suffering

that we refer to unless we're not talking the same type of situation in the first place.

Like - right now I can just hear people saying we should be able to compare

the pain associated with say, stubbing your toe while getting into a hot tub

versus

starving in a dictator-oppressive nation.

I get that.

Let's assume we're talking about comparing

Gala Apples with Pink Ladies

here

and not

Granny Smiths with Grenades.

As a divorcee,

I say the the best thing you can do

to help someone move beyond their break-up pain

[regardless of prior marital status]

is bulk up your empathetic shoulders

 open your heart your ears and your mind

spread your arms out wide

make sure you have made some time

and bring

a plate of brownies.

[i mean. it never hurts.]

********************************************************

Have you ever suffered on the Break-up v. Divorce Pain Rate Chart?

Do you generally share with people your past experiences if you feel like it relates to their current troubles?

********************************************************

Oh yes. I'm going there.

Stay tuned...next time there might even be unicorns!