Sunday, August 26, 2012

An Open Letter to the Tooth Fairy

 
 
 
 
Dearest Most Glorious Fairy of the Teeth-
 
I write to you today
on behalf of my
8-year-old-daughter.
 
 
 
I'm sure you remember her.
Natalie??
 
You've given a sizeable contribution
to her special lost tooth coinpurse
over the past couple of years.
 
And you probably know by now
that Natalie is such a sweet girl.
With a giving spirit and not many requests for much in life.
[other than love and snuggles.]
 
 
She has never once complained
when you show up late all the time sometimes
or when you've jipped her a few coins here and there.
[how were you to remember that sister got 25 cents more for the little tooth to left of the other little tooth?]
 
Heck.
She didn't even get frustrated with you
when you gave her "buckies" in place of the original little nibblets of teeth
she had in the first place.
 
She's been rocking the big beautiful gap-toothed look
for awhile now
and her beauty has never failed to radiate.
 
 
 
She's been grateful all along to YOU for her killer smile
her pearly whites
and her double dimps.
 
[so what if she hasn't studied genetics yet.]
 
She's quite sure YOU'VE been helping to watch out for her all these years.
Keeping her smile all aglow and the such.
 
You've kept my girl feeling pretty satisfied and confidant
and for that
 I want to thank you.
 
But today
we have some serious business on our hands.
 
Natalie lost some teeth this past weekend.
And by lost -
I really mean...
tragically cracked in half during a freak accident
in a gymnastics flip-attempt
involving
her face and our hardwood floors.
 
The hardwood floors won.
 
So I'm writing today
in order to request an increase
in payment for
these two "lost" teeth.
[they are permanent teeth, after all.]
 
I don't think $1/tooth is going to cut it this time.
 
 
I know you work hard.
And I know you have a lot of littles to gift your coins
[for lost teeth]
all around the world.
 
But
if you could spare just a few extra
this time.
 
I know one little lady that would really appreciate it.
 
 
 
 
oh. and we'll be needing those teeth back this time. we're hoping they can be re-attached.
 
Thanks
dearest
Tooth Fairy.
 
Sincerely-
 
Natalie's Mom
 
 
*********************************************************
Thanks for all the love and prayers and well wishes
good vibes and  karma and thoughts
sent Nat's way this weekend.
 
She knows she's loved
and she's been a
CHAMPION
this weekend
holding up through this ordeal.
 
We'll have more updates after we visit the
real tooth magician
THE DENTIST
first thing Monday morning.
*********************************************************
 
 
 


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Let's Go On A Diet

 
Not a fad diet
though.
 
[Like the Atkins Diet]
 
It's really more of a
lifestyle change.
 
I think we should all go on
this new diet.

I've dubbed it 
The "Akins" Diet.
 
 
Instead of shedding
pounds
together we'll shed the world
of
one
 
 
at a time.
 
 Experts say it's
unwise & unhealthy
to lose more than
1-2 pounds losers/week
so this week
we'll just shed 2.
 
Starting with the namesake of this new lifestyle change.
 
#1.
The "Legitimate" Shed
 
 
Yep.
Todd
"I'm a Member of the Congressional House SCIENCE Committee
But Still Somehow Manage to Not Comprehend Basic Biology" 
Akin.
Let's get him voted out.
I have a suggestion for his new job.*
 
[ CRASH TEST DUMMY. ouch.]
 
Once
there was this
scuzzy politician
who
got into an accident
 
.
.
.
 
 
But no worries-
Mr. Akin.
 
I hear in "legitimate" crash tests
nobody dies.
 
************************************************************************
#2.
 Eat Less Chikin
 
 
 

 [source]
 
 
or
 
 
Hey.
I'm not mad at the guy for asserting his first amendment rights.
[um. here i am. doing the same.]
I'm not even mad at people who love CFA's chicken sandwiches that continue to eat there.
[although i was never very fond of the food in the first place.]
I'm not mad at you if you make it a point to spend your hard earned dollars eating chicken
to support free speech.
[i'm more of the raise my own chickens and feed them to hungry people type of gal myself]
and doing so
supposedly
when really
they just want to defend
the
POSITION OF DAN CATHY.
Let's call things what they are.
Chicken shit = chikin shit
(even if it also = bull.shit)
Just don't try to trick me, peeps.
[I'm looking at you Iowa GOP.  I'll pass on the CFA gift card.  Mmk? Thanks.]
 
Next time I want some chicken and pickles
or
somewhere else
[hah]
or
 
 Dan Cathy-
you said you support
traditional  [legal] marriages.
 

With all your new stardom
I think you'd make a perfect officiant 
for celebrity weddings.
You know.
 the legitimate, sacred, and perfect ones.
 
Let's start here.*
 
[legal marriages rock!]
 
******************************************************
 
Hopefully we'll be able to shed a few more pounds losers soon.
Any nominations?
 
******************************************************
 
 
         *  It should be noted that this was written for comedic purposes and not as any real statement of threat or wish of harm upon either of these gentlemen men.   No one should have to suffer through an entire Avril/Nickelback wedding.  
 
 


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Milkshake Brings All My Kids To The Schoolyard


What I mean to say is that
my kiddos and I
love
the band
MILKSHAKE.
[not to be confused with that other song]


For my obligatory
STAR OF THE WEEK
post
this week
 I want to feature
***3 little stars***

Yes.
Again.
My kiddos.
Who went back to school this week.
Who each make me proud to be their mama.

They are uniquely special and adorable in all their own ways.

This post is for them.

(Featuring lyrics from one of our favorite rock n' roll bands)
[censored rock bands that is]
and their hit song
[at least with the kids in my house]
 from the 2004 album

****************


I really love the weekends.
I do a lot of things.


I like to go out walking
 and think up songs to sing.

[Nat & I before a lil walk together.  We are also planning a Turtle Tots Talent Show together as well.]

I got a backyard filled with all my toys.
I run around and make a lot of noise.


[me and the j man headed out for some school shopping. he's thrilled. can't you tell?]

but I can’t wait to get back to school.

[1st grade superstar.]

No matter what other kids say
 I have a lot of fun.


[3rd grade fun starter.]

When we’re learning things here at school.


[love it.]
I bet anyone can see we have a lot of fun.

I have really great teachers
who are never ever mean.

 
I know NY and California
and all the states between.

[that's my line. ;P]

 
I can tell you all the colors of the RAINBOW.


[he has faithful and adoring fans. ]

I understand just what makes the moon glow.

[the sun's reflection, mother. duh.]

I’m not saying it’s easy -
you know there are times...


When I’d rather not read, write or memorize.

[Isabel with her best friend.]
But I love music, math and art.


[clearly so does Mona Lisa Kudrow]

Putting things together

[siblings]

taking them apart.

[leaving us.]

****
The best part about my new job??

Getting to walk to pick up these amazing little people everyday after school.

****

Rock. On.


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